By Ene Elizabeth Adeka
Are you stuck in a relationship where everything on the outside is your spec but the moment he moves, he becomes a nightmare? Before you break up with them, read this.
Let’s go over the drill one more time. Relationships are powerful! My father says, “Everything multiplies on the basis of relationships.” The problem begins when the love you desire is different from the love you get.
Sadly, whether you are in a long distance relationship or not, the love of your life is not a robot. They have a mind and a will so you have to take a decision today and it starts with asking yourself a very disturbing question:
“What do I really want?”
Amazingly, while we have been thought to accept whatever comes our way, this principle does not work in love because dearest best friend, your chest go pain you whether he’s yours or not. So why not suffer for the right person in the first place?
I forgot.
There is no such thing as the “right” person. Armed with the right information, you can turn a beast into a beauty. That was the moral lesson of your favourite Disney love stories.
Take this litmus test:
- In the past few days, how many times have you thought about breaking up? Two times? Three?
- How often does your bff have to “hold you” so you don’t call it off? Many times?
- Do you feel like he doesn’t show love the way you want to be shown love?
I can continue but I can almost bet my meager bank balance that you already are sad. There is no need to be, you are in love not on a date with a sack of freshly sliced onions. A wise man said “Know thyself.” You didn’t sit with yourself long enough to understand what you want before you brought another into your abode in the name of love.
Why Your Relationship is about to Hit the Rocks
1. You are in love with the idea of them and what they represent
From fame to beauty to money and power, people have different reasons for why they fall in love. However, if none of these things are reasons you both have understood and are comfortable with, soon enough, every little thing they do will begin to annoy you.
2. You have too much free time or zero personal interests outside the relationship
Sometimes, all you need to do is channel that whole energy you have been throwing their way at something else and you will be alright. When they are your centre of gravity, you give them the right to take away your happiness whenever they choose to. Beyond them, find fulfillment and happiness in other things.
3. Your love language differ from theirs
So few months into the relationship, you realized that he no longer loved to spend time and with panic came the realization: You love quality time!
Your love language is what best speaks love to you when shown by another person especially a romantic partner. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his bestselling book ‘The Five Love Languages’ identified five major ways people interpret love:
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
If you are in love with someone whose self-esteem is a bit on the low side, take pride in their accomplishments or simply love to hear what you think of them, you are going to have to feed those lots of words of affirmation.
If your partner is a busy bee, helping them out (acts of service) with things they cannot attend to will most endear you to them.
Quality time people on the other hand are the ones who want to just sit beside you all day. They feel most loved when you give them your time and attention without distractions. Their best song is “All of me” by John Legend.
The “receiving gifts” people are the ones who feel most loved when you send a thoughtful gift their way. From an axe head to a Lamborghini, whatever you give these ones will make them go “Awwnn! See how he loves me.”
They are not materialistic, proof of that is how every gift is received with the same level of excitement and how they in turn eagerly give gifts as well.
Physical touch nation feel most loved when you touch them. It’s as simple as that! Hold their hands in public, hug them for looooooong, forehead kisses are a favourite, make contact with them when you talk and if you are married to them, cuddle after sex. Isn’t life so simple?
Take the LOVE LANGUAGE TEST with your partner and discuss your results.
4. You are a perfectionist
Another reason could be that the person in their head simply does not exist. God has to specially give them their own design project or better still, you get yourself a robot man
5. Your mindset needs to change
Most important of all the reasons why your relationship has gone south could be that you both simply have different ideas of what love should be and both of you see nothing wrong with what they want, are doing or have refused to do.
Love requires passion, sacrifice, intimacy, commitment and pleasure.
If your life goals are different and there is a clash of interest, my advice is you speak with a mentor or trusted and matured person and seek a solution.
Having said all these, you have to reach a compromise. Someone has to give way and love the other person the way they want it until at least the other can finally understand what sacrifice is or break up.
Yes.
Call it off.
The more upset you are with them, the unhappy you become until what you have is a full blown case of hatred and resentment. If you find yourself constantly changing to fit the woman they want, they hate your shoes, the shape of your nose, the clothes you wear and what you do for a living, you are either not their ideal woman or you actually need a life coach and they have taken it upon themselves to be the change you need.
If all these fail to help you, then you should consider leaving them.
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